Tuesday, September 13, 2011

"The Incident"...

The year was 2005. I was 17, and as most 17-year-olds believe themselves to be, independent, invincible and well versed in all aspects of the world. We had spent months remodeling the house we were living in and I had a HUGE bedroom, a bathroom to myself...and mice.

My only previous experience with mice had been when I was very young and my mom and I were living in a sketchy apartment in Denver. We had a mouse and immediately set traps...my mom is excellent at the independent woman stuff. All was good. Until we caught the little vermin.

Once it was caught, even my mother who is probably the most independent, empowered, "women don't need men to do the tough stuff" person I know, turned into a squeamish schoolgirl. Long story short, my grandpa, the kind soul he is, took pity on us and drove across town to dispose of the little beast.

Fast forward 12 years or so and we were living with mice and Grandpa was 250 miles away....a little far for a trip to dispose of our unwanted rodents. It was during this time that I had what I now refer to only as "The Incident"...for now we'll just say that it involved a mouse, a hoodie I was wearing and an emotional outburst that remains with me today as lingering Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Okay, so I diagnosed myself via webMD, but I am pretty sure any medical professional would concur.

Because of "The Incident", I have a certain predisposed hatred of rodents. Thus you can only imagine my disgust when my dear friends SF and LJ were eating breakfast in my kitchen while I dressed for the day and informed me that they had seen a furball scurry from my trashcan to the pantry. EFFFF.

Sweet and dear SF advised that I name him Gus and try to think endearingly towards him and that maybe he would mend my clothes whilst I was away. No.
Sweet and dear LJ insisted that she was positive the mouse she saw was infected with Hantavirus and the Black Plague. Cool.

The 11 days since has been toilsome and painstaking to say the least.

I bought some "No See, No Touch" traps and an electronic one that each promised results ending in certain death for the mouse and a quick and painless disposal for me...I plan on writing D-Con and Viktor for refunds.

On Sunday evening I got this text from my roommate DG:
I was so glad to be enjoying the company of friends at LJ's house at the time.

I ran to the nearest store and picked up some "Snappy Traps" because DG reported that the mouse simply crawled over our our snooty falooty traps. Excellent.

(Sidenote: sometimes my sarcasm amazes even me. As I put 8 snappy traps on the conveyor belt, the cashier said to me "You have a mouse in your house?" My response? "Nope. Just game night". I paid and left. Don't ask me stupid questions if you want a serious answer, please."

I came home to find our living room "rearranged" and my roommates sitting on the counter and in the sink. We loaded 6 snappy traps with peanut butter and waited for that unmistakable sound that would inevitably come....or not.

By the time I came home around midnight, the trap were all still safe and sound. Around 1 as I laid in bed I could have sworn I heard the sound of rodent skull crushing trap springs. I was incorrect. The next morning the traps were all still set, but this time licked clean of peanut butter, turkey and every other bait we tried.

Apparently this was our Mouse:

I was beginning to wonder if we had a mouse or a ninja-pig loose in our house.

Last night when I came home after a particularly grueling day of work to find the traps all licked clean AGAIN, I decided it was now personal.

If I came into your house, ate half a jar of peanut butter, pooped on your floor and counters and caused chaos, you would be upset too, right?

I cleaned off the traps and thought of a new kind of bait. This was my thought process:

-Peanut butter can be nibbled without any real consequences...obviously.
-We need something stickier...much stickier.
-Remember that one time Gabby dropped a fruit snack in your car and then it stuck to the carpet, but gave off a lovely sweet fruity smell?
-Done and done.

I mushed up some fruit snacks into a ball of sticky sweet goo. Then I wrapped it tightly around the bait pedals on two traps and went to bed. As we snuggled in for the night (with towels shoved under our bedroom doors as they had been all week), I told DG that I thought, "Tonight is the night!"

That brings us to today.

As my alarm went off, DG came out of the bathroom in her towel and told me excitedly, "Ashleigh! The mouse is caught!"

Well, 6:30am and I was wide awake with the power of victory.

Because of the early hour, we felt a little guilty calling one of the many boys who had promised to come help us rid of it once it had been caught. So after 20 minutes of staring, gagging and debating whether to ask Professor Lyons (DG's professor of Physiology, a tough guy hailing form Jersey who lives across the way from us) to help us as he opened his garage to head to work, we decided we could do it.

I think the exact words went something like this:
DG: "Text our roommate TC and tell her that when she gets home from work, her finace can show off his manliness and take care of it...but...I kind of want to make pancakes for breakfast."

Me: "Well we aren't making breakfast with that dead mouse just chilling on the floor in the kitchen, that's for dang sure."

DG: "Yeah...but what if it moves when we touch it?!"
(Five minutes of staring and debating)
Me: "DG, we are strong and independent women...who want pancakes! We can do this"

So just like I imagine Rosie the Riveter would do it, with a mop, a broom, a dustpan and some serious skills at using these tools as giant chopsticks, I flopped the very dead mouse and trap into the dustpan and threw it all in the trash can. (Dustpan included, we'll be replacing that). DG wheeled it out to the curb just in time for the garbage truck to haul Gus Gus away.

Adieu Gus Gus. Adieu.

We made Mickey shaped pancakes for breakfast to celebrate.

And as a fair warning to any friends, family or acquaintances of Gus Gus who might be tempted to visit my home, I have a family size box of fruit snacks. Don't think I won't use them.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I will when I will...

Okay, the 30 day challenge thing didn't work either. I am giving up trying to find clever ways to make myself blog. It's like telling me I MUST pull the paper towel with both hands...I will only insist on pulling it with one because I was told to pull it with two. I am not telling myself to do anything from now on. Ever.

That being said, I do miss blogging. So I shall begin again straightaway.

I am going to go ahead and do the 30 day challenge in my own way. It might be more like a 30 year challenge, but I will get to it eventually.

I have a certain roommate/best friend who ALWAYS says "I will when I will" whenever told to do something. As much as that annoys me, I am taking the same stance in regards to my blog.

Here goes.

Challenge Day 4: A habit you wish you didn't have.

I. am a CREATURE of habit. I always have been. Probably always will be. My idea of living on the edge is ordering something different of the Thai restaurant menu...(The Panang Curry is delicious...WHY should I order something I am not positive is equally as tasty? It seems irrational!)

As roundabout as it seems, I would say that the habits I wish I didn't have are....my habits.

I have some pretty strict routines, a solid set of favorites of just about every category, a tendency to hesitate at trying new things, and a habit of sticking to what I know.

I always thought it seemed smart and safe to find what you like and stick to it. That is why you call it a favorite, right?

Don't get me wrong, I am all for adventure! I have pulled some highly memorable pranks, moved to a city that I had never set eye on, and even taken more roadtrips than your average vagabond...but none of these happened without careful planning or mapquesting first.

See what I mean?

I am all for adventure. As long as it is planned and sure not to end in anything unexpected. Because no one likes surprises (well at least no one who authors this blog).

So here is to trying new things, going on some REAL adventures and refusing to become a stick in the mud. Because no one likes a stick in the mud. No really. No one does.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


Challenge Day 3:
A Picture of You and Your Friends

Frankly, this seems like a silly challenge.

In order to post just one picture of me and my friends, I need a little more specificity. (I Love that word).

What kind of picture?

Which friends??

In what kind of setting???

Serious or goofy????

I need those details.

So for today's challenge, I am putting up just one picture.

There is a day later in this 30 day challenge thing that calls for more pictures of friends.

I will get more creative then. (I promise.)

So, what picture to choose...?
Of course.
This one.
It is the most current picture in my photobooth.

You see, it is Premier Night.
We have tickets to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
in T-minus 7 hours and 29 minutes.

Naturally, we had to put on our Wizrding best. And take pictures of ourselves.

(swish and flick)Mischief Managed.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A Ballad of Ricky Bobby...

The Story Behind My Blog Name:
I'm Not Sure What to Do with My Hands...
(How creepy is this picture?...It is "Hand Soap". I think I just figured out what to get everyone on my Christmas list.)

Many years ago...(okay, about 4 and a half years ago) on the last night before my mom would leave me at college, she told me to invite my new friend to come to a movie with us

I think my exact words were, "No. That's weird. I don't even know that Gabby girl yet."

But in her infinite wisdom, she insisted that I call "that one girl that I sat next to at orientation".

So I did.

I told this new "friend" of mine that my mom and I were going to go get some dinner and go to a movie and that she was welcome to join us if she wanted to.

She kindly accepted.

So my mom and I drove her Purple Pontiac to the dorms and picked Gabby up.

We went to dinner and then to the Cedar City Stadium 8 Theater.

We bought tickets to Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby...(don't judge)

If you have seen this movie, you understand what I mean when I say it is completely stupid, utterly irreverent, and so funny at times that you are a little embarrassed to laugh.

Throughout the whole movie I was trying not to laugh...just in case that new girl that my mom made me bring along didn't think it was funny. I certainly didn't want her to get the wrong idea about me.

But, there were a couple of times when I couldn't help it. My laughs came in little spurts like unruly droplets from a broken drinking fountain.

This part produced quite a few laugh spurts:

Fast forward several weeks to when Gabby I had become best pals.

Talking about that fateful first movie "date", she admitted that she too was squelching her laughs as to not look a fool in front of her new pal. (Whew....)

We talked about the scene above and how the awkwardness made us laugh like fools.

The term "I'm not sure what to do with my hands" quickly became our saying of choice when placed in awkward situations.

When either one of us would utter these words, the other knew just exactly what was being implied...."this is awkward. Let's get out of here."

Soon it became such a part of our vocabulary that we needn't even utter the words. When in a group gathering or a social situation, I could raise my hands awkwardly up toward my face and Gabby, even from across a crowded room, would get my message loud and clear.

Now. In 2008 when I started my blog, I had one main purpose for doing so.

I seem to be a magnet for awkward.

I have more stories of awkward moments, awkward people and awkward situations than all of the stories in the average Brothers Grimm fairytale book.

They come to me like moths to a flame.

I wanted to use this blog to share some of the stories that made up "the awkwardness that is my life"

So naturally, the title couldn't be anything other than the infamous words of Mr. Ricky Bobby himself.

And the rest is history.

Shake....And. Bake.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Okay....Take 2.

Okay so maybe I didn't learn as much from Savage Garden as I thought I had. October was a crazy month that led into November, and even crazier month....thus, I am awful at blogging on a schedule. So I am going to try this one. I got the idea from my friend Mrs. Sharlene Romero nie Witt.

Maybe if I have a specific to blog about every day, I can do it. Maybe. I said maybe.

So here goes.


Day 1-Recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 2-The meaning behind your Blog name
Day 3-A picture of you and your friends
Day 4-A habit that you wish you didn't have
Day 5-A picture of somewhere you've been to
Day 6-Favorite super hero and why
Day 7-A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 8-Short term goals for this month and when you'll accomplish them
Day 9-Something you're proud of in the past few days
Day 10-Songs you listen to when you're bored, happy, sad, mad, hyped
Day 11-Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12-How you found out about blogger and why you have one
Day 13-A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14-A picture of you and your family
Day 15-Put your ipod or shuffle on-first 10 songs that play
Day 16-Another picture of yourself
Day 17-Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18-Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19-Nicknames you have and why you have them
Day 20-Someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future
Day 21-A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22-What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23-Something you crave for a lot
Day 24-A letter to your parents
Day 25-What I would find in your bag
Day 26-What do you think about your friends
Day 27-Why you are doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28-A picture of you from last year and now-how have you changed?
Day 29-In this past month, what have you learned?
Day 30-Your favorite song

I'm going to go ahead and just put Challenge #1 as part of this post:

Challenge #1: Recent picture of you and 15 :interesting" facts about yourself

And here are some facts you may or may not know about me.

My car is orange. Not bright traffic cone orange, but more of a coppery, pumpkin orange. When I first bought it I secretly thought it was hideous. I love it now. I have been asked if I knew the name of the color and what brand of autobody paint it was.....does ANYONE really know that about their car? I don't. I am assuming the blank stare at the man that asked me this in the Maverik Parking lot relayed the message.

I always feel like a little bit of a rebel when I use only one hand to pull the paper towels out of the dispensers that say in big letters "USE BOTH HANDS". It satisfies me to say that I can do it without doing it the way I was told to.

Right before I fall asleep, my thoughts make no sense at all. And I can tell. It is hard to explain, but just last night I was thinking about a paper I must write about Disney movies (yep, Disney movies) and then suddenly my thoughts went from Aladdin and Jasmine's lack of clothing to squirrels with glasses. Which of course immediately led to me thinking about waterfalls of milk. I told you. They make no sense. But I can tell that they make no sense and that sleep is encroaching.

4. One of my favorite things about winter is hugging people who have just come inside from the cold. I love that you can smell the chill and feel the frostiness in the air around them. So please feel free to take a walk in the bone chilling temps right over to my apartment for a hug. No charge.

5. I am a wizard. For real. Doubt if you must, but photographic evidence is below.

6. There are certain jokes, words and even just thoughts that will ALWAYS make me laugh. No matter how mature I grow to be or how sacred a moment I am in, they will never fail.

8. Today I did the USA Today Crossword puzzle in 23 minute and 14 seconds.

7. Today I woke up with "Ice, Ice Baby" stuck in my head....still looking for an explanation.

I have on my kitchen counter, Naked Eggs. They look like this:
A roommate had some eggs that were past their date of consumability (I don't think that is actually a word. It should be.) Naturally, I decided it was science experiment time. 2 days in a vinegar bath and we have some Nudist Eggs. No shell, just the membrane holding it all together. Now everytime I see them I have an urge to throw them at passersby...walk carefully past my apartment.

Every Tuesday and Every Thursday, I race Gabby at the SUU Newspaper's Sudoku puzzle. I always lose. Little does she know that I am training in secret to one day blow her out of the water. It's coming.

I love when people laugh and their entire face changes so they look like a different person. I used to have a friend who looked a little like Leonardo DiCaprio when he laughed really hard. It always made me smile to see. I love seeing people laugh so hard that they can't control it or try to be quiet about it...Laughter like that is reason for living!

12. I used to call Tattoos, Tootatts. It sounded silly to me to call them Tattoos.

13. My roommates and I have an affinity fr nicknames. Not for each other, but for people we see all the time but don't actually know the names of. Over the years these have included Baseball, Lana, Idaho, Grease Monkey, Fanny Pack, Mr. Fancypants, Blondie...the list goes on and on. We recently nicknamed a gentleman we see on campus frequently. We nicknamed him Luigi. Reason? If he had the blue suspenders and the green shirt, he would be the SPITTING image. Today, I saw a gentleman and nicknamed him Mario for the same reasons. I have set out to make sure they cross paths.

A friend recently told me that going around a roundabout more than 8 times is illegal in the Beehive State. The criminals that we are, we went around 9 times. We're now hiding from the law.

15. I have tickets so a certain movie in T-Minus 2 days, 4 hours and 28 minutes. Not that I'm counting.

Monday, October 11, 2010


I am a fan of free.

Anything free will do.

One time when I was a freshman in college, a wee naive babe, my roommates boyfriend worked at the local Shell Station. He always brought home huge bags of Beef Jerky or bucket loads of other gas station loot. When my roommate asked him how much it cost, his response was always:

"Don't worry babe...it was free-ninety-free."...Sounds kind of like $3.93....But as my little naive self soon learned, that is not what it meant.

Anyways, I can always go for something free-ninety-free.

As a poor college student, I have learned that if one tries hard enough, one can ALWAYS find free loot.

For instance, this website tells me at least 5 things i could get for free every day...Granted some of them are things like Depends Adult Diapers or subscriptions to "Nerd Weekly" magazine, but still it is free! And sometimes they come up with some really usable stuff. Just the other day I got a stack of sticky note labels in my mailbox...who couldn't use more sticky notes?

A friend blogger of mine recently posted this little gem...(pun intended).

www.diamondearrings.org sends out free pairs of "diamond earrings" by the bushel...

I am almost as big a fan of bling as I am a fan of free...

Combine the two, and what more could a girl ask for?!

So please, feel FREE (another pun intended) to get some free bling.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

America's Next Top Models...

This weekend was one chock full of excitement....

Okay no it wasn't. But now that you are two sentences in, you can't just stop reading. That would be rude. Etiquette says that you can only quit after the first sentence.

On Saturday, the roomies all headed up the canyon for our photo-shoot.

Some of us were much more ready for our close up than others...I'll let you guess who...

As we dabbed on makeup and perfected our ensembles, I asked Kylie, who had found the location for our shoot, if we would be doing some hiking to get to the beauty of nature...

Her reply was, and i quote:

"No no no. It is just right off the main road."

Oh good. Then my black satin flats that go with my outfit will be just fine.

I was deceived.

We pulled off the road to our "location".

Then we began repelling into the muddy ravine that was our real location...

Full of muddy and slippery rocks and branches that could give way underneath you only to end in tragic head bashing and death at the bottom, the location was beautiful.

My satin shoes have seen better days...but then again i bought them at Payless so I'm not completely heartbroken.


Our dear friend Billy Jean (who is not my lover) took the pictures for us.

Some definitely came out better than others and we all promised that before any were published, they had to be photoshopped to make sure we were looking like we are winners of America's Next Top Model.

So, with a drum roll please....

I present to you....

The ladies of Apt. 41.

Oh and Tyra called...."We are still in the running for becoming America's Next Top Models."